Trying To Realize.

The things that have been happening in the last year are just unbelievable, how many fucking roller coasters Ive been on. I cant seem to figure it out, something is wrong with me I think? I dont know if its me or not. Im not going to try and make this a negative post, but more of a realization for me maybe. My first real relationship... GIRL 1... I had insecurities of her liking me for me (my money-- she met me when I was butt ass loaded), because I had a butt load of fucking money. I also had doubts if I was going to lose money (constantly worrying about Yahoo! haha), if she liked me for me, and her job. So naturally I was insecure and jealous. I mean, is it wrong to be jealous? I guess in her eyes I was too jealous I guess? Anyways, that excuse of a relationship lasted 2.5 long years. I felt stuck, she felt stuck, who knows, well I finally got out. I moved back to Colorado from LA, and oh god do I miss LA... Then I ran into beautiful GIRL 2, full-nude stripper, my fault for dating one of those girls, haha. But I really did love this girl, I honestly think I probably would of married her, under different circumstances of course. I met her when I was dead ass broke, and she helped me out a lot, she even convinced me to grow my hair out. But I had huge jealousy issues with her, certain events triggered certain jealousy issues out of me, I guess it was just impossible for me to trust her. All guy friends, guy friends from the strip club, was it unnatural for me to be this jealous? She did everything to prove to me she was loyal, but I was still uncontrollable at times I guess... My entire life from being young to age 17 (before I made money), I never got the girl I wanted, never was told I was hot/sexy/handsome, I was a fucking nerd. Then of course I make all this money, and I get practically any girl I wanted, and I never flaunt my money, EVER. I am not like SOME PEOPLE (thats another fucking story). Everyone has always tried to compete with me, especially since I made my way through life, I moved out when I was 17, been on my own ever since. I bought all the cars I wanted, the house, got all the girls I wanted, and ever since I have had huge doubts, insecurities, trust issues (multiple friends have screwed me over). Not just screwed me over, but my friends literally went out of their way to damage my relationships, and oh did they succeed. One, two, three, four, five, that I can immediately count off the top of my head that screwed me over, one of those 5 stole $5,000 from me, a good friend too. You learn a lot when money is in your hand. Two more of my friends wrecked my cars, one was running from the cops, the other one was innocent actually, damn snow...

After GIRL 2, I admit, I called her a lot after my dumb ass broke up with her, took me a while to get over her, because I realized I had the world, even though I didnt like her job. I was with GIRL 2 from ehh August 08 to April/May 09? 9 or 10 months I guess, we went to London, I spent all 300k points I had on my credit card for this girl, and took her to Hawaii for her birthday. Now get this, she bought us a trip to Australia, and we couldnt resolve our issues, and she lost out on 2k for me. I felt horrible, fucking horrible, but I just couldnt stop being an idiot I guess? I dont fucking know... After GIRL 2, Ive ran into quite the amount of women, well not that many, but I have dated a few, none which I can say I like as much as I did GIRL 2. Then I ran into another one, just recently actually, 2 months ago? The youngest fucking girl I have ever even considered in my life, every girl has ALWAYS been older than me, always, okay maybe not always :) but 90% of the time.

GIRL 3 was actually quite interesting, cause Ive known of her from GIRL 1, lol. This girl is drop dead gorgeous, breath taking, loves laughing, a great time, and I spent almost every day with her for a month. But of course, my insecurities and jealousy comes into play, and ruins it all. Like fucking always, I can see the fucking pattern. Girl 1, 2, and 3 I have basically destroyed because of my insecurities and jealousy. Well not Girl 1 actually, we handled the issues fairly I believe. I was a few months in with GIRL 3, and now its unrepairable, shit happens, I know... But what the fuck is my deal, why cant I keep someone, why am I so insecure, why am I so jealous, why the fuck cant I stick to anything anymore. I am one motivated money craving mother fucker, trust me, I know this, I love money, I love life, I love happy people, I love success, I love driven people, I love toys, I love women, but for some reason I cant control myself when it comes to women. They are like my kryptonite maybe? My weakness, and its pathetic, I fall for a girl, and it takes me over. Maybe I am a pussy, or maybe I am man enough to admit it and fix it.

I'm trying to reach a point where I can force myself to change, where I can fix this problem, I hate letting women make me insecure, jealous, etc... I would like positive suggestions, and not bashing suggestions, haha, but bash away if you need too, I dont really care, because everything else in life is great. On a positive note, I have a great mother, a great friend (singular, as in one), a great house, and great potential with my investors, about to close a deal shortly. So I am 100% looking forward to being successful again. But this drama, insecurities, and jealousy I have is tearing me apart, I mean, just cause GIRL 3 and I are not seeing each other anymore doesn't mean my life is over, but this fucking shit is driving me nuts. I know I am rambling, I am a little buzzed, just drank some Vodka, and felt like venting and letting my shit out, fuck it, I don't give a fuck who sees this or reads this. I am changing starting now, so suggestions are appreciated, haha.

Signing out, Mr Fashion